I've written a lot about what makes relationships work, but
today's column is about the reasons why
they don't work.
Lack of commitment
Many couples don't even know that under the umbrella of
"commitment" are the words "monogamy", "not
available" and "willing to make the other more important than
yourself if necessary".
Egocentricity
Egocentricity is as damaging to marriage as a lack of commitment.
Egocentrics have no concept of anyone else. Their world consists of their likes
and dislikes and all decisions come from that reality. Egocentrics don't do
what their spouse wants unless they want to do it too. Why should they?
Fear of loneliness
Many marriages are based on one person having the other
address their loneliness, neediness or insecurities. Few people are capable of
autonomy, standing on their own, knowing when enough is enough and walking away
from someone you adore when the cost is the sacrifice of your real self.
Lack of intimacy
For a relationship to survive, emotional intimacy is vital.
This means asking each other, "How are you really?" Connecting to
each other is essential. It's the purpose of marriage. Some people don't ask
their partners what's wrong for fear the answer could be "you".
Emotional intimacy transcends that fear; knowing it's better to realise what's
hurting your partner than have your ego bruised and having to deal with an
uncomfortable truth. It means taking in what's said rather than being defensive.You'dthis
for a friend.
The belief that marriage
changes people
Some people think marriage will change a person. That's an
unrealistic expectation. What you see is what you get. Each partner needs to
give the other more permission to be themselves.
Lack of sex
When there's no sex the issue becomes the ever-present elephant
in the room. Communicate, get help and see if you can fix the problem. If you
can't,, you need to decide whether to stay or go.
No common interests
Long-term marriages often fail due to lack of common
activities as well as individual hobbies, interests and friends. If both
partners don't grow equally, one partner can feel they're carrying the load.
All these issues can be fixed (with the possible exception
of egocentricity). If any of these scenarios describe your relationship, don't live a soulless life.
Communicate, and if you can't, seek help. It's out there.
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