How men use technology to avoid intimacy in relationships
Technology may be keeping us in touch with the world, but it’s also isolating
us from our partners — whether it’s a wife who spends hours on Facebook or a
husband who can’t be separated from his BlackBerry or video games (a recent
study found that of those wives citing unreasonable behaviour for ending their
marriage, 15 per cent felt their partner put computer games before them).
Facebook is cited in one
in five divorces, according to lawyers, while a survey by website Divorce
Online found that the phrase ‘mobile phone’ occurred in one in eight divorces
citing unreasonable behaviour.
‘I call it being
“together alone”,’ says relationship therapist Douglas Weiss.
‘These days, people are
on their mobiles at dinner; they spend hours on the computer or watching TV;
and they are more connected to their Facebook friends than to the person they
promised to love and cherish until death do them part.
‘Technology is
interrupting our relationships and allowing us to avoid each other. It has
become a way of avoiding real relationships and intimacy.
‘Thirty years ago, men would stay
late at the office or hide behind their newspaper. Now they can hide behind a
phone or laptop.’ Research shows we spend almost half our waking hours online,
on the phone or watching TV, with 80 minutes a day spent on text messaging,
social networking and emailing.
Psychotherapist and
relationship expert Paula Hall, from counselling charity Relate, says
technology doesn’t have to result in an affair for it to do damage.
Even seemingly minor
habits — such as a partner who is glued to their mobile phone — can have a corrosive
effect on your relationship.
‘People feel they have
to be contactable to the outside world all the time —that’s affecting the
quality of time we spend with our partners,’ says Paula.
‘I have couples coming
to me complaining their partners are checking their emails at 1am or can’t go
through dinner without texting. It sounds like a little thing, but constantly
checking your phone or emails can make your partner feel they are not a
priority. What starts off as a source of irritation can become the last straw.’
‘We are of a generation
that thinks friendship is very important. We can spend hours responding to
messages on Facebook, even if it means ignoring the loved one sitting right
next to us. It can be very isolating when you hear someone read a text and
giggle, and you don’t know if you have the right to ask: “Who was that?”’
But if your husband is
constantly prioritising virtual friends over you, then it could be a sign
there’s a more serious problem in the relationship, says Douglas Weiss.
‘The internet can be
seductive for people who have intimacy issues or problems in their marriage,’
he says.
‘It demands so little of
you. Just push a button and you can be anyone you want. It’s a complete escape
from reality — much easier than real life and real relationships.’
As well as being
seductive, plugging into the virtual world is also highly addictive, adds
Weiss. ‘If you are constantly checking Facebook or emails or surfing the net,
how is that different to needing a cigarette every ten minutes?’ he says. ‘It’s
not. Some people need professional help to quit.’
In fact, studies have shown that digital devices can be so addictive that people wake up several times during the night to check their emails and text messages. He spends more time looking at his laptop than he does at you and sends emails in bed - are YOU a cyber widow?
Daily Mail.
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