In Defence Of Men- by Doki Wada

This was my spontaneous response to: http://www.tokemakinwa.com/2013/07/vlog-update-wife-material-syndrome.html#comment-form

I think I get the message here; just be yourself and have him love you for who you are - right?

However, with a caveat: it should be the underlying rule of engagement in all relationships – marriage, dating, sexing - only if it applies to both parties.  Unfortunately, this isn’t the case, and I will attempt to contribute to the ongoing education of singles by explaining why. 

Women these days are quick to spell out their wants in a man - religious, hardworking, respectful, handsome, caring, and supportive - but are quick to fight back, shielded beneath the feminism toga, when the same is asked of them.  If I may ask, doesn’t this qualify as double speak?  If a woman expects change from her man, then she must also be willing to do same, not just to his benefit, but also for the survival of the union - some call this compromise.

A total change in my opinion is a fallacy.  Partial change, a possibility.  Zero change, then we have a crisis situation at hand requiring divine intervention.  And the unyielding flaws? Learn to adapt and make up for them - some call this sacrifice.

And what exactly is wife material if I may ask?  It's far from what most women think it is, as they tend to brandish the stereotypical robotic and over-flogged lexicons: cook, clean, wash, obedient etc.  Wake up, this isn’t the 20th century babe. These days, thriving relationships tend to be symbiotic, with both parties working “hard-in-hand” for the benefit of the union.  And “hard” implying jointly spending for the same cause, while “hand” signifying co-destiny.  A kind of this house is ours to build mindset - some call this understanding.

And to think that one can love unconditionally? This only happens in Danielle Steele's world.  Love just like friendship is a strong binding force that requires painstaking effort to sustain its freshness.  It’s like a flower, and must constantly feed off sunlight to blossom.  Unfortunately the term love, Isn’t as euphonic as society tends to portray it – cards, gifts, escapades - and in most cases it's a function of admiration.  When you admire something positive in someone, there is that tendency to get attracted to it, and with more admiration comes persistent affiliation, and subsequently this blossoms into love.  It’s this stickiness factor that is interpreted to mean love. 

Take this from a married man.  Men – and everyone else - fall in love with what they see, but stay active in it by subscribing to the intangibles - character, values, ethics, intellect, temperament etc.  What you see matters at some point, only at the beginning, and just like your Maserati, the infatuation soon wears out, and you then begin to worry about the embedded issues, maintenance, car note, durability etc. Remember my earlier musings; character, values, ethics, intellect, temperament and the potent binding force, faith; these are the key ingredients required for genuine love to blossom.

On the other hand condiments such as beauty, career, wealth etc are subjective tangibles with a finite term.  They only matter at some point, and beyond that set threshold, it’s all bollocks and burden on a man - case in point, celebrity marriages.  Trust me, I don’t know what my wife looks like anymore, but I know for sure how she acts and would think in different scenarios, and this is why I remain cojoined to her.

And to think that a woman doesn't have to do a thing for a man to love her?  Mehn, that's just wishful thinking on your part.  It’s like me saying that I just have to show up at the Grammy’s to win an award.  If anything, you have to do what's needed to get him to keep loving you - unconditionally, as you put it.  And that in itself counts as something in my book!

I am afraid you have the wrong notion of what men expect from women.  Stories of house and car shoppers compelled by “hue [looks] and intensity [voice]” are a rarity and are typically accompanied by some value added bodily perks - sex.  Are you now encouraging women to ditch tradition and honor in favor of modernity - runs?  You seem to imply this as you claim that it's pointless investing in bonds that have zero yield - indolence.  From experience, women who tend to tow the path of least resistance peak very early, but fade out in no foreseeable future, and will forever be remembered as “this or that babe who did this for that” – an ignoble legacy.  Is this the kind of reputation you advocate for our young women? - Haba Toke.

Remember Abraham Maslow? Our needs change with time, and only those whose needs are ordered and sequential as they progress through life tend to exit fulfilled.  When you sleep your way into a house before your time, be rest assured that you would have ultimately slept your way out of a promising future [man] – fact.

To sum it all, young women these days are busy focused on being career divas, as opposed to investing their time and effort on accruing valuable and sustainable life skills - wife material.  Men too are guilty of such, but the phenomenon is predominant in women, and even more so because it is they who complain about not being able to find a long lasting partner – husband not boyfriend.  There is this aurora of imported fakeness in the air – accent, dressing, lifestyle, aspirations, single motherhood – some of which just don’t mix with societal norms [tradition], at least in the long term.  We can all wear weave (men too), forgetting that at some point it becomes less fashionable, especially as age sets in.  And thinking that you can just dress to your taste in a marriage? Mehn, you must think that marriage is reality tv!

Sister Toke, marriage is serious business and not the trivial exercise people make it out to be.  Marriage in my opinion can only be understood from within, and requires a balanced diet consisting of, compromise, sacrifice and understanding, all in commensurate proportions to fully derive its benefits, which I must admit, also includes loving unconditionally.  And my point: only the experienced should be permitted to participate in this discourse, as war without battle is strategy – just talk, talk and more talk. 

Allowing singles like you expatiate on this subject matter is akin to a virgin talking about sex.  I am afraid to say that you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about!

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